Monday, November 22, 2004

my heart tried to skip town
and i almost drowned

my heart tried to skip town
and i fell heavy
a brick to the ground

my heart tried to skip town
and i was good as tied to the pyre
singing the funeral durge of desire
match and strike in hand
seducing the worst face of fire
were all come to pass
but for Lady Grace
with her gentle gate
and her coaxing smile
she brought me back my heart
cradeled in her arms as if it were
some sweet child
sweet child
given to me
tender babe promise me this once
don't run no more
your birth was a promise made
to heal the wicked world

i have crawled into the space
where i am that youthful lover of the sky
the dawn
this is all i know of innocence
my childhood home
wrapped up in sound
wrought from hammer and bow
entranced by radiant flame
a cat perched on a cloud
struck by awe struck grace

a fools paradise
knows no masterful escape
but i can find my way out
i've done it before
and now i know better
than to stay so long
that i forgette my letters
and the lines of your face

when the real dawn comes
i will awake
decend from where i've spirited away
open to you
and join the wisdom offered up
by the workings of the day
it's now i have a blade i use
to cut a door in the sky
and a ladder of braided from sturdy hemp
that reaches all the way to the ground
i can climb down or
invite you up
so that you can see the wilderness
i know so well
i never need a map.
but, the days
when i would call this
the only home i know
they are gone
it's that i became curiose
and set to exploring
the world that is shared
it's that i've been fortunate enough
to kiss the sweetness of my kindred
celebrate our love
and take pleasure in the fullness
it's abundant state incures
it's to speek the languege of the heart that i return

Sunday, November 21, 2004

yesterday i wanted it all to go away; the bleeding, the scars, the vomiting, the spector of my own mortality, my craving for love,my revulsion at my own circumstance.
practice seemed devoid of usefulness.
yesterday i wanted to end, to escape into anything but my life, to disassociate myself from sterility, physical weekness, longing, fragility.
i was consumed by a sense of failure, as if i was not equal to my life, these circumstances, to the aspirations of my heart, as if i had nothing left to give.
eventually i dragged myself out of bed and did the dishes.
this morning i made food for a pot luck, and attended class.
still, i didn't want anyone to see how much cancer has changed me, but slowly gently, the fufillment of being with others, the big favour of being able to assist another in some small way restored me to this fundamental understanding: the only thing that has ever given me a sense of meaning, of satisfaction, the only thing that has ever given me a sense of belonging, of my own sacredness of the sacredness of others has been the oportunity to do for others, to contribute. cancer hasn't changed that.
sometimes contribution is achieved simply by standing still in light of another, and allowing them to see everything that is to be seen.
i pray for bravery, i pray for trust, i pray for openess, i pray for love.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Hope, that feathered thing that sits in your soul. --Emily Dickenson

Jane, i'm warning you; however enthralled you are by their heroism, their search, the transient web of their connections, their strength and their delicacy; do not seek to become one of them and live their lives.
It's your lot that you're consigned to the laws and incidentals that humankind is given to.
No matter what mechanical or computative device you employ in your attempt to join them in their flight, there will come a point in the wilderness where your tools will fail to grant you passsage, and where, they happily adapted to the circumstances natural to them, will glide on through with no will or inclination to join you on your fettered path.
You love our arial companions for the way they share the sky, the way they learn to find home for each season, their nests woven with flowers, and their stealth.
Learn to share you life with your own kind girl. There's no need to sacrifice your heart for high romance.

i-live-to-love-you's a child at heart
rageful-the-lion's been tamed by a girl
sleepless-and-dying's a babe to the world
i'm before you with no where to to turn.
my enchantment's gone to save the day-light
for bitter-sweet-prince
who found leaves on the ground and made them a book
chimes sing the fairyland of paradise fall
the Queen grabs a bough and a rare jewel is born.

men in work pants
what denim was made for
but who fills them?
rivlettes run in all directions
churning consequence
run through me you!
i am sliced and spliced
open daily.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

ha. so i will have a little business luncheon with the pastor and the administrator and Red Skate Red will contribute to center city's rock ghetto. this is the plan. halleluja! may the bandy -band find it's new home. amen.

Monday, October 04, 2004

there is no justice the way there is no god.
i have befriended my worst enemy, perhaps he will be spared hell and be reincarnated as a dog. this evening i explained to him how i was forged, how i came into being and all the blessings that now fill my days, all this after years of heart ache and sorrow, all this in a quiet room while i worked the softest yarn with my fingers and a hook. i want nothing from him, have no expectations, and finaly know the freedom of movement.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

day 13
well folks, it's another saturday night enveloped by the protective auspices of HUP for your's truly. this evening i started to crochet and did so without inturuption untill i got a little dizzy and realized that i hadn't eaten anything in a while, i looked up and saw it was eight-thirty and that dinner had not been delivered to my room by the nice man who also happens to be a cancer survivor with five years of remission under his belt. so what is a girl in my delicate condition to do???? Tell the nurses and have them call dietary to bring me a plate of "whatever" oh no. I realized that a golden oportunity had slipped through that door not opened. So i called my friend Shannon and explained my dilema and my desire for the "best soup ever" and he ever so kindly became my culinary hero for the evening and suppered with me on coconut-vegetable soup from the Vientine. Yum. Yay! for straight-edge vegan boys! and the likes of snipsnip and sonicnerd who are wise in the ways of folding yarn, and so graciously introduced me to the art.
after all: give a girl a scarf and she'll be warm for a winter, teach her to crochet and she'll be sane and cozy forever....and they say diamonds are a girls best friend. pshcaw!

Friday, October 01, 2004

what i want most of all right now is for some one i like to wisk me out of the hospital , out of the city to some beautiful wooded wild place and go on a hike woith me, or a photography mission, just anywhere that's autumn in all it's glory and out of doors. i want this so bad it makes me cry. i went outside today and saw people, and trees and the cloudless sky. it was revealed to me today that i am to complete my stay at HUP with a total of 15 days. this is day 12
i'm not well adjusted to my situation today. today i miss being strong and active, and i made the mistake of asking why which i usualy avoid at all costs. it is beautiful out, my heart is full of longing, and the tears just keep spilling down my cheeks. i want to do so much i want to love so much and today i am impatient, oh let me find patience again, let me laugh.